By Dr. Scott Dunbar, MAC, ICCDPD
Recovery is not obtained, it is maintained. Call me today to schedule a meeting with a certified, professional, and experienced counselor.
Powerlessness is picking up another drink when every instinct in your heart, mind and body begs you to stop. Powerlessness is drinking again and again and again and again until you pass out. Powerlessness is then waking up to repeat the insanity. Powerlessness is acknowledging to your family and friends that you have a disease that may kill you and may kill someone else but you cannot stop. It’s a force that controls who you’re with, where you go and what you do.
Powerlessness is waking up and not knowing what happened the night before. It’s lying to yourself. It’s lying to other people. It’s a continual, gnawing, mind numbing fear day after day as you second guess yourself, check yourself and worry about whether someone knows. Do my eyes look okay? Does my breath smell okay? Does this person know? Does that person know? Does everyone think I’m okay?
Powerlessness is the dry heaves as you stare down into a vomit filled commode and hope you see no blood. It’s shaking with delirium tremens until you can’t sign your name or lift a fork to your mouth. And you hope no one notices. Powerlessness is an awkward look of coworkers as they turn away when you shuffle into the room. You worry about time you’ve been gone, work left behind and fear a call from the front office. Then the phone rings.
Powerlessness is the blue lights of a police cruiser flashing again in a rearview mirror and you know what is to come. It’s an officer pushing your head downward as you’re placed in the backseat while staring motorists glide past on the highway. Powerlessness is a heavy, dull clang of a jailhouse door locking again behind you in a crowded cell as you search for a place to sit. The lights are always on, someone’s screaming and cursing and you don’t know when you’ll eat or sleep again. Powerlessness is drinking out of a water faucet and taking a shit in front of strangers as you worry about begging again for someone to bail you out. It’s being guarded by people who hate you and a few who want to hurt you. And they know they can get away with it if they’re careful.
Powerlessness is standing again in front of a judge and knowing that all of your second chances are gone. It is being broken and bankrupt with a desperate, shameful guilt. You’re too scared to live and too afraid to die and all you want is one more drink.
This is what powerlessness is all about.
Content copyright 2014. Scott Dunbar. All rights reserved.